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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

10 Failed Games for Dating Purposes

Some people are very lucky to find a significant other who actually plays video game with them. The thoughts on this vary within the community: I have heard some gamers expressed that they rather not be stuck spending that much time with their lovers while others dream and fantasize about the understanding boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse who is as obsessive about the hobby as they are. Unfortunately, I fall into the latter category.


Video games can be about love too.

My other half is totally not a gamer but that doesn't mean that I should give up on the idea, right? The following are some of the games that I have tried to use to convince my lover to get into gaming. Some experienced a slight degree of success while others failed miserably. The descriptions below are exaggerated for humor's sake but you'll get the picture. Feel free to try these at home knowing that the results may vary.


The Pitch: "You like Monopoly, don't you? Everybody does. You know, instead of worrying about who gets to do the clean up duty to put everything back into the box at the end of the game, we can just play this instead! What? You don't like magic cards? Of course I will teach you how to play it. Just having you sit next to me is magical, you know (+10 smooth-talk points)."

The Response: "Wow, are those pictures of naked people on the cards? The game can last 2-3 hours per sitting? Who has time for that? You, apparently as if you don't spend enough of your free time with me. Ewww, random electronic die rolls - that means the computer can cheat. Are you trying to say that you like cheating on me?"


I would gladly pay 100G to evolve my lover into a gamer.

Success Rate: 0% - My lover hasn't even touch it once but wants to try it in the future. I'm crossing my fingers.

The Pitch: "Honey, I think this is the scariest game I have ever played... Like ever! I am a bit spooked out here, I need you to cuddle up next to me (+1000 smooth-talk points). I don't know about that next corner, why don't you take this controller and make Isaac move past that point. We'll switch back and forth if that's okay with you?"

The Response: "Wow... I didn't know you are such a coward (-2500 to previous smooth-talk points)." *JUMP*SHRIEK* "What the heck was that? Aim for the head! The head! What? I thought they were zombies? Why are you laughing at me? You think this is funny? You want to know what's really funny? If you get scared so easily, why do you buy scary games anyway?"


I understand your loneliness, Isaac.

Success Rate: 10% - Horror movies = Good times with your lover. Horror games = Awkward moments that you may never recover from.

The Pitch: "You know this is one of my favorite games of all time right? I bet you don't know that this game can be played with 2 players. The game gets easier and easier the more you play it. I am not good when it comes to the 2-player mode but having someone like you with me, who is committed in both mind and spirit (+50 smooth-talk points), we can conquer this game and be the best Ikaruga couple ever!"

The Response: "It's bad enough that you force me to watch your high score replays, now you want me to play the game too? This game is stupid: Why do I have to worry about the colors of the enemy ships? I just want to shoot them down."


It's too complex for the general public, so I don't know what I was thinking.

Success Rate: 5% - My lover would hesitantly sit down and watch the replays of my proudest Ikaruga moments, but that's pretty much it.


4) Master of Illusion (Nintendo DS)

The Pitch: "Video games are not just about sitting in front of the TV screen and pushing buttons on the controller. Look at this game. It's a tutorial program that teaches you how to do magic tricks while using the actual handheld as a prop. Let me show you a couple of magic tricks."

The Response: "Uh. No."


I should have known that this can only be used to amaze friends but not a lover.
Nintendo knew this and specifically printed that on the box.

Success Rate: 0% - My lover was totally disinterested with the whole concept and gave me a hard time following my instructions to make the tricks work so none of them did. A total disaster.

The Pitch: "I would love to duet some of these songs with you. You can't sing? Don't be silly, if you can talk, you can sing. It's true! Try it. Let's browse these songs they have for sale to see if you fancy any of them (+500 smooth-talk points). It's fun to sing: just look at all these videos of people acting silly in front of their PlayStation Eye camera. What are you doing to my camera? No, it's not recording us right now, only later when you are actually singing."

The Response: "You know I can't sing. I don't even sing in the shower. I don't listen to the lyrics, just the beat of the songs so I have never been into singing. You do know that just because the computer is giving you a high score for singing that song it doesn't mean that you can sing right?"


The joy of karaoke is not something that can be taught.

Success Rate: 0.01% - I was able to make my lover sing just once over the past several years during one of the karaoke parties held at my place. It took a lot of begging and convincing though but it did happen so I can finally die happy.


6) Super Mario Galaxy (Nintendo Wii)

The Pitch: "Look at all the pretty colors! Isn't this game bright and beautiful? Alright, all you have to do is sit really close to me (+100 smooth-talk points) and point the Wiimote at them stars you see on the screen. You can even help me kill enemies by shooting the stars we collect together (+5 smooth-talk points) at them. Now change position."

The Response: "How come Mario is not wearing a space suit? He should have died in the vacuum of space. The gravity in this game is all whacked. I tried to kill myself so that I can hand you back the main controller but I can't fall off the edge... This game has a short attention span - one moment you are here, the next you are somewhere else. It reminds me of someone I know."


Lies! All lies! Why are you lying to me? Mama-mia!

Success Rate: 20% - My lover did sit with next me to waggle the Wiimote around several times while I was playing the game early last year.


7) Time Crisis 4 (PlayStation 3)

The Pitch: "This game is so easy to play. All you have to do is point and shoot. Well, you have to duck to reload and press a button to switch weapons but those things will become second nature to you the more you play the game. Are you ready? Let me help you calibrate that gun (+10 smooth-talk points)."

The Response: "Uhm, I don't think this gun is working. I am shooting one way and it's hitting something else on the screen... And how come you are using a regular controller and not a gun? Why is the screen so small and get split up like that? How do I turn? How do I change weapons? Oh I'm dead already?"


It's easier to dodge a bullet than getting my lover to play video games!

Success Rate: 1% - Though my lover seemed to enjoy the one time we played this game together, I have asked many times afterwards for another playthrough and I kept getting the cold shoulder.

The Pitch: "You know what they say about starting a workout regiment: It is harder for one to skip the routine if one is doing it with a partner. Look, you get to use your Mii in the game and the scale tells us what your BMI is so that we don't have to focus on the actual weight loss. I am sure you will enjoy seeing me do the hula-hoops (+15 smooth-talk points) and then we can take a shower together after we are finished with the game (+150 smooth-talk points). You really need to play this game (-500 smooth-talk points)."

The Response: "Are you saying I have weight problems? BMI my butt, how come the Wii is making my Mii look fat? Don't touch me while I do this stupid hula-hoop thing. How come you have to keep messing with the menu before I can start an activity, can't you just string them all together? Why can't we just go to the gym? I have to play this game every day?"


I'm surprised that even the mass-marketing allure of Wii Fit just utterly failed.

Success Rate: 5% - Throughout the entire time I was using this stupid thing, my lover only joined me twice. I also came to an early realization that Wii Fit was not fit enough to be in my schedule so I really didn't care when my lover started skipping it after day 2.


9) Wii Sports (Nintendo Wii)

The Pitch: "These games are made for non-gamers so you have to try it! They even have this game at nursing homes and the elderly populace just absolutely adore it (-1200 smooth-talk points). Remember the Wii commercials? I am sure you can recall that everyone in those commercials were smiling while they were playing this game, it's that good! I know we have talked about playing tennis together... Well now we can do it because you get to swing the Wiimote like the real thing!"

The Response: "The commercials were silly. This game is silly. Let's try golf. Oh I won? Let's try bowling next. Strike! Haha, you are terrible at this, are you sure you are a gamer? Ssssssstrike! Loser! And I used to think that you are really good with your video games?"


It's never about who wins or who loses.
I just want you to play video games with me darn it.

Success Rate: 50% - My lover really likes Bowling but the non-stop trash talking was actually a bit irritating. Maybe this is the reason why some people don't like to play video games with their lovers? I get a "Yes" half the time I asked my lover to play Wii Sports with me. I haven't played this in a while so maybe I'll ask again on Valentine's Day~!


10) World of Warcraft (PC)

The Pitch: "Baby, I know a lot of couples who play this game together. As a matter of fact, a lot of people actually found their soul mates while playing this game. It's like another world outside of our own. You get to create your own character and interact with people from around the world. Since I have a maxed-level character, I can help you level up (+1 smooth-talk point). It will be sweet to traverse this virtual world together (+50 smooth-talk points). It's like a date in a more modern sense!"

The Response: "If you want a date, let's go out and do something in the real world. Okay, I have been here all day and you have been glued to that computer screen ever since you woke up this morning. Have you even taken a shower yet?"


Dating and raiding at the same time = wipe?

Success Rate: 0% - My lover absolutely loathes this game because for a while, it pretty much took over my life. In a way, I am thankful that we both didn't end up playing this together because if that was the case, I would probably still be playing it now and I would be having a tough time keeping up with my console games. There are people who actually cheat on their significant others while playing this game - true story - so I am glad I didn't have to deal with that either.

1 comment:

Magma said...

i played wow whit my ex girlfriend :P

we where two happy taurens in love runnin naked tho the hills of the barrens 8D