Tuesday, March 29, 2016

1CC Run - Contemplating Death

Ever since that incident in July last year, things just haven't been the same to me. Just to recap, I thought that I lost my husband when he didn't show up at the airport when I went to pick him up only to learn later that he was hospitalized the night before. Though he did return to me eventually, it was hard to forget that deep dark pit that I experienced when I thought that it was over. It's sometimes hard to sleep at night as I lie down next to my husband because I understand the eventuality of death and I really don't want to experience that incredible pain I experienced before. I am an atheist. I don't believe that my husband and I would be together again in death and that thought has been haunting me day and night. It is easy to see why people rather believe in the afterlife because the alternative is truly something else. I am not going to claim that I know how the universe works but I do know that I can only remember this life and this life only. People have been living on this planet for a very long time and my consciousness is bound to this particular period of existence.

When you accept love into your heart, you tend to forget about accepting love lost with it.

I remember my husband telling me that when he fell and hit his head, he saw nothing, everything was dark until he finally woke up at the hospital. "There was nothing there," he claimed. And I can recall telling him "Of course there wasn't." I have shared with him my personal experience with death. I almost lost my life in an accident when I was young and I had an out of body experience where I saw the doctor trying to revive my body below me as I was floating upwards. It could have been just simply trauma but it felt very real. It's not something I share with a lot of people but I think it's important to mention it here because even after experiencing that, I have always been borderline agnostic before settling comfortably into being an atheist. For the longest time, my view on death has been rather simple: when you die, you just go back to that place before you gain consciousness - nothingness. I don't remember wanting to live nor feeling pain nor happiness nor sadness. It's just that one simply doesn't exist. Death is only difficult for those who know the person who died and not the person him/herself. After finding the love of my life and almost losing him, things are not that easy anymore. I hate the thought of losing someone so dear in my life forever and I also hate the thought of slipping in nothingness without being able to be reunited somewhere, somehow. Humans are selfish creatures and I am not immune to selfish thoughts. Perhaps the reality of things just hit me harder than I ever anticipated it to be and I am just bitter about the whole thing.

Together only in our physical forms for we don't exist beyond that.

I have spoken to my husband in regards to this yesterday. We have had discussions about death in the past and both of us have always been clear about our love and commitment to each other as well as what death means to us individually. During the recent conversation, he told me that he used to feel like he wasn't ready for death, that now he's ready to face it because he's happy where he's at. He did express the fear of losing me for he still has no knowledge of how that would actually feel. I on the other hand, feel like I am not ready to lose him because of what I have felt before and neither am I ready to lose myself. I know when I pass on, I wouldn't be able to care about these things but I need to look deeper into my life so that I can accept the reality of the situation. I have been dealing with other depressing thoughts and this of course is just adding to my unhappiness. Video games may be at the center of my life but unfortunately, this is a situation that they are unable to help me with.

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