...And 14 Years Is Enough

I don't have a lot to show for it, but I am proud of my 14+ years' stint as a livestreaming gamer. Since June 10th of 2010, I have made sure that every single one of my gaming sessions is broadcasted to my streaming platform of choice. Since then, I have accumulated no loyal consistent viewers, and I have always thought that the situation was somewhat amusing. At the end of the day, the result of this lies solely on my shoulders. I stream not to do any kind of performative art; I just want to game and connect with like-minded people, which is something that is probably more sustainable during the earlier days of livestreaming. What kept me afloat in my streaming habit was the idea of archiving my gameplay since viewership has always been nonexistent. Well, I never knew that the day would come when I would sit down, reflect on the situation, and said to myself, "Yeah, it's time to stop."

Everything that begins must come to an end.

I think the dilemma of livestreaming my gaming activities for me has always been my insistence that I should always keep the doors open for communication from the other side. I just didn't want to quit that search for someone to connect with, so whenever I turn off chat completely, it just never felt right to do so. If you are familiar with the small streamer struggles of late, the rise of "art sellers" and "channel managers" stopping by to peddle their services is just too rampant and exhausting to deal with. When people say "Hi" in your chat, of course you want to reply but then you soon realize that it's nothing but a hollow introduction to whatever scheme they have cooked up for you. What used to be a rather enjoyable experience has become a bit of an annoyance of late, and it does, however miniscule, have an impact on my gaming enjoyment. I had recently started recording my gameplay offline and it's just too much busywork. This is why I have always relied on livestreaming because it is definitely the easiest, most time-saving way to record gameplay to be saved as on-demand footage. I understand now that if I want to continue archiving my gameplay videos, taking shortcuts is not the answer. 

It ended with a bang... CYGNI: All Guns Blazing played during my final livestream.

Before I started livestreaming, gaming has always been a quiet activity. I don't talk to myself; I just soak up the presentation of the games in front of me. When livestreaming, I would read everything that pops up on the screen for the sake of people viewing the video, explain my reaction to things, communicate and share the experience to the people just watching instead of playing. I miss that quiet, actually. To just game in peace. To just be with myself without having to cater to anyone else. To self-love. I think this is the biggest factor in my decision to leave livestreaming behind. To finally prioritize myself in the gaming experience without interruptions. Recently, I boldly claimed that I would be livestreaming until the end of my days. Such bravado. Well, two months later, I realize that I was wrong. I have retired my streaming personal computer to the office room, so there is no turning back. It will take some time for me not to turn to my right every minute to look for chat entry on the second monitor (in which 99% of the time, the chat box is of course empty), but this will be a change for the better.