Truck Simulator Battle

As someone who enjoys going through Steam's Discovery Queue whenever I get the chance to, I have seen a lot of horrible games. There are just too many. It's not unusual for me to go through the 10+ titles presented per review session with all of them marked "Ignore" or as Steam used to classy them, "Not Interested". At this point, I am estimating that only 15-20% of all games on Steam are probably worthy to be played and the rest are just pure crap. Every now and then, some of these games are so remarkably horrid, it's clear that the developers may not even be trying, like this one:

An easy way to name a game is to just add Extreme in front of the title.

The Truck Simulator series by SCS Software has been so successful, it spawns many inferior imitations such as this one. What makes Extreme Truck Simulator so over the top however is that pricing discount. Recently released on 02/15/2019, the game is introduced with a 1% discount off its $1.99 price as if it was going to push undecided people to buy the game. I have to hand it to the game's developer, A Nostru, however since ETS has a feature that is missing from SCS' flagship series:

Virtual hands steering the truck!

That's not extreme, it's just realistic! In SCS' truck simulator games, the trucks are driven by an invisible ghost so at least ETS got this part right.

Daddy Issues, Daddies Rated

Dream Daddy: A Daddy Dating Simulator for the Personal Computer is a strange game. You play as a single dad of an 18 year old girl who just recently moved to a cul-de-sac filled with other daddies that you can co-mingle with. Since you can choose your dead significant other as either a man or a woman, the game seems to be bit confused. From my first 3 hours of play, the game is portraying most of these daddies as straight and it seems cruel to tease a gay guy like me to spend time knowing these guys. The game seems to be more about fatherhood because the story is centered around your own father-daughter relationship - and hell yes, Amanda wouldn't have gotten away with dismissing me the way she does to the main daddy character - I think that this game was named incorrectly. On the surface level, I am not sure of the game's length, this isn't truly a game about gay dating. It's a game about fatherhood with some homo-erotic elements in it. But I suppose the marketing department thought that it wouldn't have sold well to be truthful about the actual game.

Despite the game's identity issue, Dream Daddy does contain some attractive looking cartoon daddies. In real life, I do find daddies sexy. I don't know, there is something about their maturity and toughness. Also, having kids is a sign that the guys are uh, virile? Those who are new to relationships though, heed my advise. Unless you absolutely can't find a guy with no kids, stay away from them. You don't want to learn the hard way as I did. Back to the game: since the developer honed in on the hot daddy factor to entice their target audience, let's treat these daddies that way by rating their attractiveness:

Mat: The Coffee Shop Daddy

I like guys with a stubble - I'd die for a chance to touch a 5 o'clock shadow - so that's certainly a plus for him. He looks kinda cute I guess. I am not a fan of long hair, it's just not masculine. He has an annoying sense of humor where he likes experimenting with puns. As an undergraduate, I always thought that a sexy guy can't be a funny guy. Later in life, I found that to be quite incorrect. But this guy? He is way overdoing it. And the puns are not even that clever.

Hotness Rating: 😍😍😒😒😒

Brian: The Beer Belly Bush Daddy

I am a stubble guy and he is way too bushy. He does have the potential to look very hot if he can shave that shit down. I am not deterred by that big round belly of his. Look, I don't mind a tight, muscular body with a six pack but there is nothing wrong with a pot belly as long as you don't look bloated everywhere. Seems like a nice guy, very friendly. Too much into his daughter though but I guess that's the curse of fatherhood. Also owns a dog.

Hotness Rating: 😍😍😍😒😒

Craig: The Sporty Daddy

For a smooth-faced motherfucker, he does look rather handsome. Very much into fitness... but very much into fatherhood with that little baby always strapped in front of his muscular bod. He used to be your fat college roommate so that additional tidbit of information made him somewhat hotter. But you know there is no way you can hook up with a guy this well put together so your dick immediately learns to just stay limp when he's around.

Hotness Rating: 😍😒😒😒😒

Damien: The Vampire Daddy

I can be a bit goth. I like wearing anything black. I also used to own black lipsticks. The funny thing is, I never consider goth guys sexy. So this guy immediately falls off the radar. He is very serious about the Victorian era but strangely shops at the game's version of a Hot Topic store. You know a true goth doesn't shop at freaking Hot Topic. Seems like a nice guy though. His son is more goth than he is. Also, he looks way too elf-ish feminine for me.

Hotness Rating: 😒😒😒😒😒

Hugo: The Nerdy Daddy?

It's obvious that the game's developer doesn't know how to make a proper nerdy but sexy guy. Hugo is your daughter's teacher. He's saying that your daughter hasn't been turning in her papers. That mustache made me threw up a bit in my mouth. Then, he also has a man bun, yuck! This character is definitely a mistake. He has a loser son but the only true loser is whoever playing this game and has to interact with this badly imagined failure of a character.

Hotness Rating: 😒😒😒😒😒

Joseph: The Preacher Daddy

A youth minister with a preppy look, wearing a pink polo shirt. Only in Dream Daddy! He's got too many kids and a drunk wife who likes to flirt at the local bar. During a backyard party, the couple was not very friendly with each other. The developer wants you to fall for this guy apparently with all of these mixed signals. He was the first to welcome you to the neighborhood. Another baby-faced but hot guy. I am not into blondes but I really don't mind Joseph at all...

Hotness Rating: 😍😍😍😒😒

Robert: The Gangster Daddy

Before playing the game, I saw this guy in a screenshot and immediately got turned on. He's so hot, I thought he would be the uh, hardest daddy to sleep with. Lo and behold, it was the opposite. Slept with him the first night I met him and I have slept with him... twice now? Yes, Robert is ridiculously handsome. Dark haired, stubbly and oh very rough, very strong. Also, very mysterious. He doesn't say much which adds to the curiosity. Kicking me out of the house after sex made me feel dirty but if that means I can come back, then shoo me out of your messy house every morning honey.

Hotness Rating: 😍😍😍😍😍

Even though the game blesses me with the thrill of chasing after Robert, why is it that I have a feeling this will all be for naught? Anyway, I do look forward to sticking with this one until completion. I am already cautious about the game though but I hope that it will be able to surprise me in the end.

FIRST IMPRESSION: 3 out of 5

Early Access: Playing with Fire

As I have expressed before, I do not like the Early Access program on Steam. Sure, there are many games that ended up being a total success through the program, Subnautica being the prime example, but you can't say the same for an overwhelming majority of them. Early Access is the silliest thing ever. Developers used to pay people to test their games and now it's the other way around. It also makes them lazy: they already got our precious cash so there is absolutely no reason for them to get the product out quickly or provide meaningful update in a timely manner to the games being developed. Since I have been on a survival game binge lately, I have been lax with my "completed game" requirement and gotten titles that are still in Early Access. Thankfully, most of them are very playable though some of are showing signs of developer malaise like this horror I saw in 7 Days to Die:

My character is so handsome... and so blurry.

I was playing this game with the highest possible settings and the textures on the character model was just... bad. The whole game is actually pretty ugly. And let's see, this game has been in Early Access since December of 2013? And it's still in alpha? I should have known better. Since I read a lot of good things about the game, I just couldn't help myself because it was cheap during the recent Lunar New Year Sale. Steam should place a limit on Early Access in which developers who took longer than a year in the program must offer a full refund to all paying customers while still allowing them to keep the games. Just like pornographic VR games that are now flooding the store ever since Valve started allowing such creative liberties on Steam, Early Access games are getting out of control. While the former is a victory in gaming freedom, even though I don't partake in them, Early Access games are starting to look like a scam. 7 Days to Die seems playable though despite the visual presentation and oh, despite the name, I did die on day one thanks to a nasty bug that kept teleporting me away from a settlement before I could reach it. That's Early Access for you.

Character Secret Revealed: Deckard

Have you ever wondered how Deckard Cain from the Diablo series, who also stars in Heroes of the Storm, would look under that forever unwashed robe he wears all the time? Not me but it seems like Blizzard is more than happy to fulfill many a secret fantasies about the old man with the recently released Deckard Pain skin for him in Heroes of the Storm:

Forever buff.

After all that travel in search for knowledge, you know that he's very fit under all that garment complete with bulging biceps that are just begging to be bitten and a six-pack. The real question now is this: Does he look super hot under all that facial hair? Perhaps we will get the answer to that when his next skin arrives...

Steam Wants Your $160

Since Monday, Steam has been having its Lunar New Year Sale that will last for a week. There are so many games on sale, like usual, and I have found plenty of good deals on my out of control wishlist. With this Chinese New Year themed event, you can accrue 100 tokens for every $1 spent for yourself or 111 tokens for every $1 spent as a gift. At first, you think that this may be a reasonable reward points exchange but then when you look at the items that you can spend your tokens on, it seems like Valve really, really wants you to spend your money... I mean, they always do but compared to previous sales event rewards, this one features goals that feel rather far-fetched and unobtainable.

The top 3 rewards are very costly. You can also spend tokens on new backgrounds and emotes.

You start off with a token amount based on your previous purchase before the event started plus a $5 discount for the first $30 spent but to get an additional $5 discount, they want you to spend $150! Oh my galaxy! And I thought getting that $5 gift card recently for buying $25 worth of frozen food at Target was a bad deal. It's clear here that the ultimate Premium Reward for this event is the Golden Profile and judging by its setup, this particular reward is going to be a yearly thing: You have to spend $40 just to unlock it until end of sale... Then you have to spend $120 to keep the golden profile for a year. I opted to spend my tokens on things that are permanent: the profile badge and the backgrounds plus emotes. This very specific amount of $160 for the Golden Profile combo is perhaps indicative of the average amount of money people spend during these Steam sales events because it wouldn't make any sense to price it so high if most people wouldn't be able to unlock it. I seriously think that people should avoid getting the Golden Profile at any tier level to discourage Valve from using timed features as rewards. If people are willing to spend money on that, what's next? It's a scary thought. Bad Valve... Your greed is showing.

2018 Gaming Analysis

2018 was a year of new beginnings. I didn't have a home until sometime in February and since then, it's been a struggle to find some stability in my life, both physically and emotionally. As of today, my new Game Room still doesn't feel complete. How I have forgotten the length of time it really takes for one to truly settle down and feel... content. I really miss that feeling. Now I haven't done this year in review thing for 3 years. Thus, there will be some changes in the format but I just want to look back and to find and celebrate the little sparks that happened last year in terms of my gaming life. Note: Most of the time, it takes a while before I get to the games that I inducted to my library so a game doesn't have to be released in 2018 for them to be considered memorable for the year.

TOTAL INDUCTIONS: 883

14.4% of Game Library total as of 02/06/2019

Okay, even I was shocked when I pulled up that number. That's a lot of freaking games. I could have sworn it would be less than a quarter of that but then I remember getting plenty of game series and huge bundles during the Steam sales so it makes a lot of sense: for example the Nancy Drew bundle that I got in December contained 20 titles! I can't help it, the cheaper games on Steam deserve some love too and I normally gravitate towards them when the bigger titles fail to deliver more than 60% discounts... Sometimes, I surprised people on Steam whenever I splurged but if you look closely at the games I selected, you can see the ridiculously cheap price tags attached to the majority of them.

FAVORITE GAME OF THE YEAR:

Assassin's Creed: Odyssey

Developer: Ubisoft

Induction Date: 12/24/2018

Platform: Personal Computer

For a continuation of a long running game series, Assassin's Creed: Odyssey is nothing short of a miracle. They keep releasing a seemingly never ending amount of new entries, one after another, in short periods of time mind you and instead of delivering the same old thing, they surprisingly managed to actually create the ultimate AC experience with Odyssey. Everything about this game just works, from the main characters, to the Greek setting, to the open world setup. The more I play the game, the more it opens up and soon, I found myself buried in quests - there are just too many things for one person to do! I played it so much one day that I actually got sick of it because I had too much goodness! Yes, I had to pace myself with this one because there is always a goal, always an adventure just waiting for me every time I jump into the game. It's amazing to run around the huge game world and if you are like me, soak it all in without using the fast travel option! No, I haven't completed the game yet but 50+ hours of beauty and wonderment on top of the tight action and stealth sequences made this the most prominent, most satisfying game I played in 2018.

SURPRISE OF THE YEAR:

The Nintendo Switch

Nintendo disappointed me when they abandoned the Wii U so very quickly. I will never ever forgive them for that. I was certainly unimpressed by their new Switch. It's obviously made to cater those who want to game away from home? But then I noticed that they released a lot of Psikyo shoot-'em-ups for the system so I caved in. I love the Psikyo ports but my opinion about the system is still the same. It's a disappointing console/handheld hybrid. It worked great when I went for a little getaway vacation to Lake Tahoe but everything else about the system is mediocre. The Joy-Cons, despite the name, brought not an ounce of joy. And Nintendo wants to charge us more money to buy the proper Pro controller for the system? I just opted for a USB adapter and play the system using a DualShock 4... Couple with Nintendo's new pay to play online policy, I think they are heading down a very dark path. Just port more shmups alright?

LOWEST POINT OF THE YEAR:

God of War

Developer: Santa Monica Studio

Induction Date: 08/16/2018

Platform: PlayStation 4

Every single God of War game that came before it started with absolutely epic beginning stages, like the hydra attack in the first game or the battle with the Colossus of Rhodes in the second game. This one? Well, you row down a river with your son to get the funeral of your wife going. Cory Barlog, the game director who was responsible for the first two games has apparently lost his marbles. I always thought that the awfulness of God of War III can be blamed on him leaving the project. Now, I am not even sure about that anymore. This game is an example of over-parenthood ruining things. There are appropriate games where you can interject your love for your offspring but in a God of War game? And how did a game about Greek mythology turn into a Nordic fantasy? Was it because he married a Swede? It makes you think, does it not? I tried to keep playing the game but I am here to kick some arse, not to guide some brat. This could have been a glorious return, God of War: Ascension style. Instead, we get another misguided, wholly unnecessary reinvention, like those new Tomb Raider games. This isn't God of War... It's God of Waa-waa-waa!

How was your gaming experience in 2018?

What would be your choices for the 3 categories above? I'd love to know!

Dead Sharks, Dead Gamer

I have been on the hunt for the ultimate survival game ever since I started playing Conan Exiles on the Personal Computer about a month ago. I was so invested in that game - in single player of course - that when I finally died, I just stopped playing it because I had done so much stuff, a sudden step back felt like a crushing defeat. Yes, I do plan on going back because I thought the game was very engaging and it certainly wet my appetite for the genre. Yesterday, I started playing The Forest, also on PC, and wow, this game is so darn brutal I couldn't even finish building my first bloody tent before I died... twice now!

They were so hungry, they didn't even bother stripping me naked.

I have already played Stranded Deep as you recall, so the starting intro where the plane crashed seemed awfully familiar. Here, you crashed into an island instead of the middle of the ocean. I was disappointed however with the kid character aspect of the game. In the beginning, when you awoke from the crash, you saw one of the uh, hostile locals, kidnapping your kid. This is an immediate immersion breaker because well, I frankly hate kids, I don't want one ever, and developers are known to coddle kids. A note to all developers: please stop adding kids to save/protect just because you recently obtained one and think everyone should share your uh, joy? It made me stopped playing that latest God of War on the PlayStation 4... In a game that's rife with horror and violence, I sure hope that The Forest doesn't hold back when it comes to the kid because it would sharply contradict everything else this game seems to offer. I was able to find other passengers hanging upside down with their bellies sliced open and their intestines hanging out so when I find the kid, I am hoping for a horrific discovery. Thankfully, after the eye roller kid situation, the game saved itself by offering an atmospheric environment of uncertainty, terror, and desperation.

If all lives were equal, how come this brat got priority over everyone else on-board?

The first time around the plane landed close to the beach and I thought that it could be the location where I could set up camp... until I saw three dead sharks near the water. I wasn't even sure they were dead at first so I had to throw rocks at them. These are not your typical sand sharks either, they looked like great whites. Funny because just a few strokes away from the beach, there was a yacht. Surely, the best place to spend the night but there is no way I am jumping into the dark water - especially with these dead sharks littering the beach. Then, I went back into the forest to cut down some logs when I heard what sounded like a woman's cry. Like an idiot, I went looking for the source and found out that it was a hostile, so I brandish my ax to cut her down to pieces until I realized too late that she had her boyfriend with her. They knocked me out and took me to their camp and when I escaped because they were all missing - maybe they were holding some sacrificial ceremony on top of a hill somewhere with the kid as the main attraction, one would hope - I managed to find the same beach again but after collecting a bunch of stones off the sand, I looked up to see that same couple creeping up towards me. I stood between the dead sharks hoping that they would work as some kind of cannibal-repellent but nope. Since I was badly hurt from the previous encounter, it didn't take them long to kill me off.

Dead sharks in cult-like placement. Very promising.

The second go saw an even more pathetic attempt at survival. The plane landed quite far from the beach but because I was so scared to venture through the forest, I found a cliff and followed its edge until I found the same beach. This time, I walked alongside the beach until I found a very secluded area under a rocky cliff that formed a little underpass and started to set up camp there. Because I spent too much time crawling to get to my destination, it started to get dark before I could start chopping some wood. Suddenly, the screen got dark and I started to freeze and the next thing you know, I quit the game. I never quit a game until its over, even when I got thrown into the ocean defenseless in Stranded Deep, but this was too horrific for me. I wasn't ready to start freezing to death and get jumped by hungry cannibals. I surely did not want to accidentally get into the water in a panic to then be attacked by a great white. I love this game, but it's pretty darn scary. The brilliance of The Forest is that seemingly in this early phase, there is no place where you can hide from danger, unlike the other survival games I have played. Subnautica is also quite a traumatic game for me because everything takes place in the open sea but when I got really scared, I could always just hide in my impenetrable little floating pod. Here, I feel exposed at all times. Despite the high fear factor, I have already started my third try and this time, I am forcing myself to build that save spot immediately come hell or high water without being too picky about the location. Thankfully, I found that same bad luck beach close by! The good news? The "close your eyes" method actually worked to keep me calm and collected while I was chopping down trees. But I am not sure how well that's going to help when the hostiles start sneaking up on me mid-chop...

What you can't see can lead to a fallen tree!

FIRST IMPRESSION: 5 out of 5