Truck Simulator Battle

As someone who enjoys going through Steam's Discovery Queue whenever I get the chance to, I have seen a lot of horrible games. There are just too many. It's not unusual for me to go through the 10+ titles presented per review session with all of them marked "Ignore" or as Steam used to classy them, "Not Interested". At this point, I am estimating that only 15-20% of all games on Steam are probably worthy to be played and the rest are just pure crap. Every now and then, some of these games are so remarkably horrid, it's clear that the developers may not even be trying, like this one:

An easy way to name a game is to just add Extreme in front of the title.

The Truck Simulator series by SCS Software has been so successful, it spawns many inferior imitations such as this one. What makes Extreme Truck Simulator so over the top however is that pricing discount. Recently released on 02/15/2019, the game is introduced with a 1% discount off its $1.99 price as if it was going to push undecided people to buy the game. I have to hand it to the game's developer, A Nostru, however since ETS has a feature that is missing from SCS' flagship series:

Virtual hands steering the truck!

That's not extreme, it's just realistic! In SCS' truck simulator games, the trucks are driven by an invisible ghost so at least ETS got this part right.

Daddy Issues, Daddies Rated

Dream Daddy: A Daddy Dating Simulator for the Personal Computer is a strange game. You play as a single dad of an 18 year old girl who just recently moved to a cul-de-sac filled with other daddies that you can co-mingle with. Since you can choose your dead significant other as either a man or a woman, the game seems to be bit confused. From my first 3 hours of play, the game is portraying most of these daddies as straight and it seems cruel to tease a gay guy like me to spend time knowing these guys. The game seems to be more about fatherhood because the story is centered around your own father-daughter relationship - and hell yes, Amanda wouldn't have gotten away with dismissing me the way she does to the main daddy character - I think that this game was named incorrectly. On the surface level, I am not sure of the game's length, this isn't truly a game about gay dating. It's a game about fatherhood with some homo-erotic elements in it. But I suppose the marketing department thought that it wouldn't have sold well to be truthful about the actual game.

Despite the game's identity issue, Dream Daddy does contain some attractive looking cartoon daddies. In real life, I do find daddies sexy. I don't know, there is something about their maturity and toughness. Also, having kids is a sign that the guys are uh, virile? Those who are new to relationships though, heed my advise. Unless you absolutely can't find a guy with no kids, stay away from them. You don't want to learn the hard way as I did. Back to the game: since the developer honed in on the hot daddy factor to entice their target audience, let's treat these daddies that way by rating their attractiveness:

Mat: The Coffee Shop Daddy

I like guys with a stubble - I'd die for a chance to touch a 5 o'clock shadow - so that's certainly a plus for him. He looks kinda cute I guess. I am not a fan of long hair, it's just not masculine. He has an annoying sense of humor where he likes experimenting with puns. As an undergraduate, I always thought that a sexy guy can't be a funny guy. Later in life, I found that to be quite incorrect. But this guy? He is way overdoing it. And the puns are not even that clever.

Hotness Rating: 😍😍😒😒😒

Brian: The Beer Belly Bush Daddy

I am a stubble guy and he is way too bushy. He does have the potential to look very hot if he can shave that shit down. I am not deterred by that big round belly of his. Look, I don't mind a tight, muscular body with a six pack but there is nothing wrong with a pot belly as long as you don't look bloated everywhere. Seems like a nice guy, very friendly. Too much into his daughter though but I guess that's the curse of fatherhood. Also owns a dog.

Hotness Rating: 😍😍😍😒😒

Craig: The Sporty Daddy

For a smooth-faced motherfucker, he does look rather handsome. Very much into fitness... but very much into fatherhood with that little baby always strapped in front of his muscular bod. He used to be your fat college roommate so that additional tidbit of information made him somewhat hotter. But you know there is no way you can hook up with a guy this well put together so your dick immediately learns to just stay limp when he's around.

Hotness Rating: 😍😒😒😒😒

Damien: The Vampire Daddy

I can be a bit goth. I like wearing anything black. I also used to own black lipsticks. The funny thing is, I never consider goth guys sexy. So this guy immediately falls off the radar. He is very serious about the Victorian era but strangely shops at the game's version of a Hot Topic store. You know a true goth doesn't shop at freaking Hot Topic. Seems like a nice guy though. His son is more goth than he is. Also, he looks way too elf-ish feminine for me.

Hotness Rating: 😒😒😒😒😒

Hugo: The Nerdy Daddy?

It's obvious that the game's developer doesn't know how to make a proper nerdy but sexy guy. Hugo is your daughter's teacher. He's saying that your daughter hasn't been turning in her papers. That mustache made me threw up a bit in my mouth. Then, he also has a man bun, yuck! This character is definitely a mistake. He has a loser son but the only true loser is whoever playing this game and has to interact with this badly imagined failure of a character.

Hotness Rating: 😒😒😒😒😒

Joseph: The Preacher Daddy

A youth minister with a preppy look, wearing a pink polo shirt. Only in Dream Daddy! He's got too many kids and a drunk wife who likes to flirt at the local bar. During a backyard party, the couple was not very friendly with each other. The developer wants you to fall for this guy apparently with all of these mixed signals. He was the first to welcome you to the neighborhood. Another baby-faced but hot guy. I am not into blondes but I really don't mind Joseph at all...

Hotness Rating: 😍😍😍😒😒

Robert: The Gangster Daddy

Before playing the game, I saw this guy in a screenshot and immediately got turned on. He's so hot, I thought he would be the uh, hardest daddy to sleep with. Lo and behold, it was the opposite. Slept with him the first night I met him and I have slept with him... twice now? Yes, Robert is ridiculously handsome. Dark haired, stubbly and oh very rough, very strong. Also, very mysterious. He doesn't say much which adds to the curiosity. Kicking me out of the house after sex made me feel dirty but if that means I can come back, then shoo me out of your messy house every morning honey.

Hotness Rating: 😍😍😍😍😍

Even though the game blesses me with the thrill of chasing after Robert, why is it that I have a feeling this will all be for naught? Anyway, I do look forward to sticking with this one until completion. I am already cautious about the game though but I hope that it will be able to surprise me in the end.

FIRST IMPRESSION: 3 out of 5

Early Access: Playing with Fire

As I have expressed before, I do not like the Early Access program on Steam. Sure, there are many games that ended up being a total success through the program, Subnautica being the prime example, but you can't say the same for an overwhelming majority of them. Early Access is the silliest thing ever. Developers used to pay people to test their games and now it's the other way around. It also makes them lazy: they already got our precious cash so there is absolutely no reason for them to get the product out quickly or provide meaningful update in a timely manner to the games being developed. Since I have been on a survival game binge lately, I have been lax with my "completed game" requirement and gotten titles that are still in Early Access. Thankfully, most of them are very playable though some of are showing signs of developer malaise like this horror I saw in 7 Days to Die:

My character is so handsome... and so blurry.

I was playing this game with the highest possible settings and the textures on the character model was just... bad. The whole game is actually pretty ugly. And let's see, this game has been in Early Access since December of 2013? And it's still in alpha? I should have known better. Since I read a lot of good things about the game, I just couldn't help myself because it was cheap during the recent Lunar New Year Sale. Steam should place a limit on Early Access in which developers who took longer than a year in the program must offer a full refund to all paying customers while still allowing them to keep the games. Just like pornographic VR games that are now flooding the store ever since Valve started allowing such creative liberties on Steam, Early Access games are getting out of control. While the former is a victory in gaming freedom, even though I don't partake in them, Early Access games are starting to look like a scam. 7 Days to Die seems playable though despite the visual presentation and oh, despite the name, I did die on day one thanks to a nasty bug that kept teleporting me away from a settlement before I could reach it. That's Early Access for you.

Character Secret Revealed: Deckard

Have you ever wondered how Deckard Cain from the Diablo series, who also stars in Heroes of the Storm, would look under that forever unwashed robe he wears all the time? Not me but it seems like Blizzard is more than happy to fulfill many a secret fantasies about the old man with the recently released Deckard Pain skin for him in Heroes of the Storm:

Forever buff.

After all that travel in search for knowledge, you know that he's very fit under all that garment complete with bulging biceps that are just begging to be bitten and a six-pack. The real question now is this: Does he look super hot under all that facial hair? Perhaps we will get the answer to that when his next skin arrives...

Steam Wants Your $160

Since Monday, Steam has been having its Lunar New Year Sale that will last for a week. There are so many games on sale, like usual, and I have found plenty of good deals on my out of control wishlist. With this Chinese New Year themed event, you can accrue 100 tokens for every $1 spent for yourself or 111 tokens for every $1 spent as a gift. At first, you think that this may be a reasonable reward points exchange but then when you look at the items that you can spend your tokens on, it seems like Valve really, really wants you to spend your money... I mean, they always do but compared to previous sales event rewards, this one features goals that feel rather far-fetched and unobtainable.

The top 3 rewards are very costly. You can also spend tokens on new backgrounds and emotes.

You start off with a token amount based on your previous purchase before the event started plus a $5 discount for the first $30 spent but to get an additional $5 discount, they want you to spend $150! Oh my galaxy! And I thought getting that $5 gift card recently for buying $25 worth of frozen food at Target was a bad deal. It's clear here that the ultimate Premium Reward for this event is the Golden Profile and judging by its setup, this particular reward is going to be a yearly thing: You have to spend $40 just to unlock it until end of sale... Then you have to spend $120 to keep the golden profile for a year. I opted to spend my tokens on things that are permanent: the profile badge and the backgrounds plus emotes. This very specific amount of $160 for the Golden Profile combo is perhaps indicative of the average amount of money people spend during these Steam sales events because it wouldn't make any sense to price it so high if most people wouldn't be able to unlock it. I seriously think that people should avoid getting the Golden Profile at any tier level to discourage Valve from using timed features as rewards. If people are willing to spend money on that, what's next? It's a scary thought. Bad Valve... Your greed is showing.